my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
