yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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