Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
