just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Duck Duck Cougar?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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