you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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