I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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