Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
