I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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