How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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