I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
