my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
