So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Buhtt sex?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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