Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize