the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
