I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Randomize
