Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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