I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
