If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
