So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
