ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
