WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
