So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
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My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
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Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I need to calm my uterus...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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