R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
