I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
