Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
