drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I need moral support for this bender
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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