I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
