so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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