yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
