So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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