can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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