How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
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Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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