My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
be right there i have to get my cape
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
