Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
