You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
