I'm really into asian looking animals
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
