before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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