I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Randomize
