I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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