yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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