I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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