I wish I could teleport
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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