Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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