if i can run in heels then i can drive
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
