chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
