I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
The Olympian is in my bed
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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