i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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