My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
