I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
