i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
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