I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
