HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I party with great urgency now.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
