Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
