I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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