Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
