she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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