Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
