That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
