saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
