if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
whose parrot is this?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
