He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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